so the funeral service for gramma was yesterday. with gramma being roman catholic, it was at st. jerome's... with as many beefs as i have with the catholicism, i would have to say that i pretty much always enjoy their services... mostly because of the pomp... you know, the gowns, the incense, the candles, the rituals... i didn't use the kneelbars at all though... i haven't done that since i was a little girl, and quite frankly i saw no reason. i was at my grandmother's funeral and wasn't entirely concerned with offending those around me. and if anyone really was offended, SUCK A FAT ONE.
after the funeral my entire family went out to camp... susie bought the camp next to anna's last fall, which is great because it means all of the camps my grandfather built are now back in the family. EVERYONE was there except for my mother, who is dead, and my aunt kelly, who needed to just go to sleep. oh, and mikey, who is tripping around in bc w/ sarah for a couple weeks and who we could not get ahold of. it's been so so so long since everyone has been together like that. we ate a huge turkey dinner, had a bonfire, looked through gramma's scrapbooks and photo albums, and watched some home movies, and drank some beer. it was lovely. and jesus, anna found this tape of gramma singing and playing the accordian and yodelling... it was awesome.
i haven't been able to bring myself to watch any videos of my mother since she died. cause honestly, at what point are you sitting around the house thinking to yourself... i really feel like doing something that will probably make me lose ALL COMPOSURE.
but i did last night. i saw her. dancing, and drinking wine, and cracking jokes and laughing and picking up babies and squeezing them and joking and singing with her sisters. i hadn't heard my mother's voice in over three years. it was beautiful... it was like getting her back for those few minutes... but it's so hard to see her right there, in front of you...alive, happy... and not be able to reach out and grab her and not let her go. so i grabbed mary, and susie, and regina, and rachel, and anna. these women are my mother's sisters... they look like her and they sound like her, they laugh like her, and they have the same sense of humour, which happens to be pretty unique and some might think absolutely retarded. and sometimes i think that i have been purposefully avoiding them over the past three years on account of the fact that when i look at mary or regina all i can see is my mother. and that kind of hurts. seeing regina, playing with her grandchildren, and hearing mary talk about all the work she's been doing in her garden this year, and knowing that rita hasn't done any of those things in the past three years, and she never will again.
but so goes life i guess... and some things never change... i stood in the big camp, a week away from being 23 years old, with my aunts calling me KK and pressing 20s into my hand for my birthday.
also: silver lining. it has been decided that grayson and eve and i will be splitting my mother's share of the inheritance. i, in an attempt to be realistic, figure i might get at least a couple grand. however, my father, being much more aware of what my grandmother's financial situation, seems to think that after they sell the house, and the property in florida, we will probably see at least 10 000 apiece. that is my brother and sister and i splitting 1/7 of the inheritance into three. obviously, the $ isn't important, but i'm not going to lie and say that it won't be nice.
it's funny how some old people don't LIVE like they have money. especially those who lived through the wars in europe... they hoard everything their whole life.
anyway, i'm cleaning my house today. i should go get started on that. such a waste of a day, though... it's so beautiful outside.